"There is a field out beyond right and wrong. I will meet you there." ~ Rumi
As well as being our deepest sources of joy, love and beauty, our partners, our parents and our children have the ability to trigger our deepest patterns of emotion pain and reactivity.
They are The Master Button Pushers, capable of eliciting the most extreme and painful emotional reactions from us. With a word or a look, those we love can seem to find our sore spots, our weaknesses and our secret fears. I have come to realize that the ability to see this as the blessing it is, rather than the curse it seems to be, is a sign of maturity and awareness.
This happens when we turn 180 degrees in the opposite direction, and begin to examine our own inner workings.
The way I see it, each of us as human beings, men and women, develop painful patterns of reactivity. This is unavoidable. If we have a mind and emotions, and we have a family or not, and if we have a favorable upbringing or not... we will develop painful patterns of emotional reactivity. It comes with being human. No big deal. In my 17 years of exploration and consultation, I have been the cause, recipient and observer of countless examples of this dynamic of which I write.
The Why, of Emotional Reactivity
Some of these patterns of interpretation, imagination and emotion were formed in moments when the world was unkind to us, and we came away changed by an experience of betrayal, criticism, rejection, or abuse. Others patterns were created in our own inner world, in moments of uncertainty, vulnerability or choices gone awry.
Maybe we were too young, unable to see clearly or simply misinterpreted an event that caused us great mental and emotional turmoil. Maybe it was a single event that scarred us, or repeated events that wore us down. But whatever the cause, whatever the type, whatever the form of emotional reactivity, it matters only that we can come to see the pattern is alive within us.
This means that understanding the 'why', is not nearly as important as understanding the 'what' and the 'how'' of our emotional reactive patterns.
The What and The How of Emotional Reactivity
If we can step back and recognize the mechanical nature of our emotional reaction, we have already begun to see it more clearly. Maybe it arises when we feel unseen, like we don't exist, or feel unheard, like our opinion doesn't matter. Maybe is appears when we are devalued or criticized. Maybe it expresses itself outwardly by yelling, crying and getting physical, or maybe it expresses itself inwardly through acts of self hatred and denial.
Whatever the way our patterns display themselves, it matters only if we are able to see this reactive pattern as an 'it', rather than as a 'me'. This means we can step back and create some space around our emotional reactivity, and that we can open beyond 'it'.
If you reread the previous sentences, you can see that we have already started talking about our patterns as an 'it'. This is a step beyond 'it', and into emotional responsiveness, maturity and freedom, rather than emotional reactivity, regression and slavery.
We are not doomed to become reduced to the size of our reactive pattern but rather, we can stay in touch with the enormity of our kind and wise heart while also containing the reactive pattern.
Maintaining Contact With Our Basic Wisdom
If what I've suggested above sounds good in theory, then the practicalities of these perspectives cannot be overstated. The ability to maintain contact with your kind heart and your deep wisdom is the result of repeatedly facing our most difficult moments with the intention to remain aware, attentive, and open. In other words, it is the result of practice.
The practice I recommend to anyone wanting to work with their emotional reactivity, is the practice of Awakened Attention. Awakened Attention is the practice of maintaining a moment to moment connection to our present experience with awareness, attention and openness.
The practice entails anchoring our attention to the present moment with energy and openness for as long as we remember to. When we forget, we simply bring our attention back to the present moment when we remember to. Over and over and over and over... With time and practice we will start to notice many wonderful benefits.
For instance, when we are practicing Awakened Attention with dedication we will quickly develop the capacity to watch our experience arise without losing awareness or getting lost in it, which is so often the cause of emotional reactivity and regression. We will experience whatever is happening while maintaining awareness and clarity, while not getting dragged around by experience or fearfully pulling back.
Paying attention is wisdom. Opening the heart is love. The practice of Awakened Attention is to pay attention with an open heart, even as our painful patterns appear and disappear, thus leading us into deeper dimensions of joy and sorrow, courage and fear, pleasure and pain and all of our various experiences, in this wondrous dance of Love and Life.
Aaron McNaught, aka "The Wake Up Guy", is the author of five books, a Life Coach and Transformational Speaker who practically owns the term. (Google "Transformational Speaker" in quotes and see for yourself). Aaron is known for his demonstration of awakeness and has committed his life to bringing light into the world.
For more info about books, speaking engagements, retreats or coaching services, call 403.346.4882 or use the contact form in the top right corner of every page. http://www.wakinguptolife.com/splash.htm
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